Seriously, who am I? Am I just a one night stand kind of girl? Am I the girl that boys would love to bring home to meet the parents? Or am I the girl that boys treat differently because they know all I'll ever be is a friend to them. Every since the hormones kicked in and my boobs grew a few sizes too big, that's all I've been thinking about; who am I?
My friends know that my number rule, basically only rule up until this point, is to never fall in love. I'm able to do everything and anything, just not fall in love. Why? Because of a stupid boy who thought it would be funny to play with my heart. It's not that I'm no good in relationships, it's just that I'm too scared. I'm scared I'll get my heart broken again. I'm scared I won't be enough for them. I'm scared someone better will come running along, snatch him right out of my hands, and leave me cleaning up the mess, all by myself.
My whole dating experience is what brought me to question who I was. With the stupid ex boyfriend, I questioned myself big time. It brought me to a point in my life that I never want to go back to again. I almost did, though, because of the same asshole. But i pushed myself forward, and the only things left behind from that are scars I wake up and see every morning. Although I went through that time, I vowed to myself to never let anyone get to me the way he, and others during that time, did. But that'd a different post for a different day.
Who am I? The one question that's been running through my mind ever since this new boy decided to appear. From the beginning,, I knew he was bad news. I somehow knew what he would do and how he would affect me, and it still blind sighted me; not entirely. It was always a constant battle with me every time I caught him looking at me or every time we flirted. "Don't do this to yourself." "He's just like the others." "You know what happens when you fall." Man, that little voice inside my head did not shut up about it. I partially listened. I didn't fall for him, which is points on my part. But i did do this to myself and of course, he's like the others.
It didn't start out that way. I mean, I found him attractive, and even though I somewhat knew, I still treated him like any other guy. What really made me do everything the little voice told me not to do, was every single touch. I needed to be near him. I needed to see him, to talk to him. I needed to look into those eyes. I needed to touch him in the smallest non-sexual ways in order for my day to continue. Ask me why, I couldn't and still can't tell you. But like I said, I did this to myself. I knew he wasn't feeling everything I was feeling. I knew I was way in over my head. He's said so himself that he got girls, and today I saw who exactly one of those girls were. I'm not going to lie, it hurt for some reason. My heart ached when I saw that picture, but like I told myself before, no one was getting me down. I've grown since the last one, a lot. All MY hard work wasn't going to go down for some boy. But it hurt. It made me question even more who I was .. in terms of relationships. Was I the girl he treated differently because he knew I was just a friend?
Who knows...
My friends know that my number rule, basically only rule up until this point, is to never fall in love. I'm able to do everything and anything, just not fall in love. Why? Because of a stupid boy who thought it would be funny to play with my heart. It's not that I'm no good in relationships, it's just that I'm too scared. I'm scared I'll get my heart broken again. I'm scared I won't be enough for them. I'm scared someone better will come running along, snatch him right out of my hands, and leave me cleaning up the mess, all by myself.
My whole dating experience is what brought me to question who I was. With the stupid ex boyfriend, I questioned myself big time. It brought me to a point in my life that I never want to go back to again. I almost did, though, because of the same asshole. But i pushed myself forward, and the only things left behind from that are scars I wake up and see every morning. Although I went through that time, I vowed to myself to never let anyone get to me the way he, and others during that time, did. But that'd a different post for a different day.
Who am I? The one question that's been running through my mind ever since this new boy decided to appear. From the beginning,, I knew he was bad news. I somehow knew what he would do and how he would affect me, and it still blind sighted me; not entirely. It was always a constant battle with me every time I caught him looking at me or every time we flirted. "Don't do this to yourself." "He's just like the others." "You know what happens when you fall." Man, that little voice inside my head did not shut up about it. I partially listened. I didn't fall for him, which is points on my part. But i did do this to myself and of course, he's like the others.
It didn't start out that way. I mean, I found him attractive, and even though I somewhat knew, I still treated him like any other guy. What really made me do everything the little voice told me not to do, was every single touch. I needed to be near him. I needed to see him, to talk to him. I needed to look into those eyes. I needed to touch him in the smallest non-sexual ways in order for my day to continue. Ask me why, I couldn't and still can't tell you. But like I said, I did this to myself. I knew he wasn't feeling everything I was feeling. I knew I was way in over my head. He's said so himself that he got girls, and today I saw who exactly one of those girls were. I'm not going to lie, it hurt for some reason. My heart ached when I saw that picture, but like I told myself before, no one was getting me down. I've grown since the last one, a lot. All MY hard work wasn't going to go down for some boy. But it hurt. It made me question even more who I was .. in terms of relationships. Was I the girl he treated differently because he knew I was just a friend?
Who knows...